Am I a sex addict?
Change the gender and I can really relate to the sticker on the back window of this car parked in Amherst. (click photo to enlarge)
Regular readers know that it was an attempt to keep up sexually with my young boyfriend that first started me using cocaine. Today my therapist (as opposed to my drug abuse councilor) made an interesting suggestion: Was my falling into heavy drug use in an attempt to please a lover a sign of sexual addiction? I didn't know how to reply to that.
"Gee Doc," I said, "does that mean that being a cock addict turned me into a crack addict?"
My therapist replied that the State doesn't pay him well enough to put up with patients like me. Then he gave me this quiz to fill out to help to determine my degree of sexual dependency. I thought I would share it with you, along with my answers.
The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.
Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
I need more information, like how good was the sex?
Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others—friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?
Are you kidding? I live my whole life in public.
Do you get “high” from sex and/or romance? Do you crash?
Everyone gets high on sex and I don't have sex while driving.
Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Define "inappropriate." Context is everything.
Do you make promises to yourself or make rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
No, I like to keep things loose.
Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?
Yes, and was sometimes pleasantly surprised!
Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Well, it certainly helps.
Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Do you believe that someone can “fix” you?
Depends what needs fixing.
Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you’ve had?
No, the better to protect the guilty.
Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
No, just horny.
Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you’ve had?
Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Again, just horny.
Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yeah, but only because I was too high. In sobriety I won't do that anymore.
Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Only if the sex was excellent.
Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually?
I'm good in bed, but that ain't all I've got to offer.
Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual/romantic partner?
I'm neither lifeless nor a puppet with anyone.
Do you feel entitled to sex?
No, but I'll usually accept it whether I'm entitled or not!
Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
No, with my last boyfriend the problem was the reverse - him leaving me for that cheap whore from the Haymarket Cafe.
Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
I'm generous to my lovers, and I don't care what anyone thinks.
Do you believe that the problems in your “love life” result from not having enough of, or the right kind of sex?
Honey, "enough" or "the right kind" are very relative terms.
Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
I can be a bit of an alley cat.
Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
No, but the quality of my life is definitely better if I have them.
Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
I always mean to.
Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
I never cared who knew I was a gay slut.
Do you have sex and/or “relationships” to try to deal with, or escape from life’s problems?
Yes, and it can be very effective.
Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
I try to have real sex rather than masturbate, but when I do jerk-off I've never wasted a second feeling guilty about it.
Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc., in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
I despise any form of S&M. A good lover honors your best self.
Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an “acceptable” level of physical and emotional relief?
Only age related, but I'm still as enthusiastic as ever.
Do you need to have sex, or “fall in love” in order to feel like a “real man” or a “real woman”?
Don't be silly.
Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door? Are you jaded?
One man's "jaded" is another man's "experienced."
Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Depends how horny I am.
Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Some things it is a pleasure to crave.
Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time? Have you ever wished you could be less emotionally dependent?
Only at the end of a relationship and then I quickly get over it.
Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do? Are you afraid that deep down you are unacceptable?
Where do you get these stupid questions?
Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
How dignified do you want to be in bed?
Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
God wants me to get laid or he wouldn't have given me a dick.
Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?
No, I feel my life is unmanageable when I go too long without sexual or romantic behavior.
Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?
Maybe, but if I'm getting enough then why ask why?
So what's the verdict folks? Sex addict or just a healthy American male?
I don't know whether my neighbor in Northampton is a sex addict, but I know he must be a peacer with these lights in the window.