The Baystate Objectivist

The Baystate Objectivist

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sex Tips and Ghosts

It went down like this:

I was in the Haymarket looking for a little action, but everyone was staring at their laptop computers, the screens of which reflected an eerie glow on their faces like a scene from a science fiction movie.

A dull, sexless science fiction movie.

Then from out of nowhere she approached me, this biker girl in black leather. She had a helmet on made in the style of a Nazi, with a sticker across the front rim that read:

Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go EVERYWHERE.

"Hey," she said, "ain't you that queer guy from the internet?"

The tone in which she asked did not make clear whether she was a fan or a critic.

"Um, well, maybe."

"Sure it's you!" she cried. "I love your blog, I read it all the time!"

"Oh, well then thank-you."

Having successfully established my identity, things immediately turned personal. Leaning toward me in a conspiratorial manner she whispered, "Hey, you've gone down on a lot of guys ain't you?"

"Um, well, I guess."

"Hey, so is it true what my girlfriend told me about Sprite?"

"Sprite? You mean the soda?"

"Yeah, my girlfriend said it's a gag inhibitor."

I laughed and told her I had never heard of that.

"Hey," she said as she walked away, "Why don't you give it a try? I will too and the next time I see ya we can compare notes!"

After that ridiculous conversation I had to leave. Outside I saw that a block away there was a long line outside the Iron Horse Music Hall. I walked over and asked someone who it was that was playing. It was Wynton Marsalas, the jazz legend, and I wished I was going too but I had to return to Amherst. Walking towards the Academy of Music, I noticed that someone had left one of the front doors open.

Standing inside the doorway was a mysterious man.

A man in a white suit with a bow tie.

A man from another time and place.

A man whose expression was as blank and inscrutable as plastic.

I figured the smart thing to do was to get away from there fast!

Later when I got home I thought there might be something in my face that would cause Andy to ask me whether I'd seen a ghost. Instead all he said was, "Tommy, what are you doing with all those cases of Sprite?"

In this local video two Amherst College students get down and dirty as they practice for the college talent show.

Happy Birthday Jay Libardi, wherever you are.