The Baystate Objectivist

The Baystate Objectivist

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Bewildering Bovines

Fear of Cows.

A couple times this summer I tarried too long on the rail trail, and so had to walk the last stretch back to Amherst in the dark. There is a farm I must pass where in the daylight you see black cows out in the field.

Yet as the sun sinks, they drift closer, ever closer to the fence that divides them from the rail trail.

What is it that draws them to the fence as the sun sets? Perhaps they are frightened in the day of all the traffic on the trail, and as dusk falls maybe they realize that the humans are leaving and they can come to the trail in peace and remain undisturbed until dawn.

Or maybe that explanation is too logical. It might be something we humans can not fathom, some mysterious bovine ritual. In any case, it sure is creepy when you have to walk past their hulking presence in the dark.

It may seem silly, but I actually sweat with fear when I have to walk past those cows at night. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I guess I'm afraid that the cows will actually be on the trail itself, although there is a fence that should prevent that. Yet I never quite trust it to keep the beasts at bay.

My nephew Ryan was in West Brookfield recently and saw two female cows trying to hump one another. He took this picture:

Cows are queer? Now I feel in even greater danger!

In a nightmare I see myself walking along the rail trail. It is pitch dark, only the feel of the pavement beneath my feet keeps me on the trail. Suddenly I walk into the solid wall of flesh of a big black cow! The collision startles the cow into shitting on the spot before fleeing across the field. The fright of it all causes me to have a massive heart attack and I'm dead before I hit the ground.

The early morning rail trail joggers find me the next day, lying next to the cow excrement. When people read about my demise in the paper, they shake their head and say, "Poor Tom Devine, his bullshit finally caught up with him."

There was a big display outside the University Library today of all the clubs on campus who were trying to recruit members. For those who like a lot of action, there was the flying feet and fists of fury of the Karate Club.

At the other extreme, there was the nerd heaven of the Chess Club.

The Republicans were on hand, waving a sign featuring right-wing sex symbol Ann Coulter.

An angry leftist came storming up and told them that the image was "mysogynist and pornographic." The GOPers laughed in his face and he walked away in a huff.

One person's turn-on is another person's obscenity.

The Summer of Love 40th Anniversary tour which passed through Northampton in July reached its inevitable climax this weekend in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. Among those performing was Taj Mahal (below) who grew up in Springfield's Mason Square and who even has a street named after him in that neighborhood.

Speaking of psychedelic music, someone sent me these old Jefferson Airplane/Starship bubble gum cards, but the letter was damaged in the mail and I couldn't find out who sent them or why. Whoever you are, thanks! (click to enlarge)

Finally, here is the Starship performing recently on The Today Show in New York City.


Anonymous said...

Tom, I just thought that I'd let you know that the angry person who took issue with the Ann Coulter sign was not a liberal, but a raging leftist. He was accompanied by a member of the International So0cialist Organization (ISO). Yes, that's right it was not a "she" who took issue with the poster, but a "he". Also, he called it "pornographic and mysoginistic", not "sexist and "pornographic."


Tommy said...

Yikes! Actually that's worse, but I think I know who you might be talking about! Anyway, I'll change it to reflect this new information.

Mary E.Carey said...

Great lead-up to the cow joke punchline. It felt like we were zeroing in on the grassy knoll.

Anonymous said...

Hey Tom.

The Cow story reminded me of a time back when I was a Farmer. I tell the guys at CVS that I used a Pharmacist. I used to assist my Ex-brother-in-law on his Farm. (Many years ago) That part is true!

I was down at the next farm one morning on a Tractor pulling a feeder called a "Chuckwagon" filled with Silage to feed the Heifers. They all ran down to the gate to greet me as always waiting to get their bellys full of that pungent smelling partially fermented chopped corn sileage. As I drove back to the gate to leave, two of them followed me the 100 yards or so. As I got to the gate to open it, I removed my large western hat and chased them waveing my hat.

One of them, (We had previously named McNasty) a Masculine Cow with charistics of a Bull drove her short stubby horns into my chest. She did this again but I was more prepared this time and blocked her with my hands. This went on so many times I thought I was going to die right there. I was never knocked off my feet, but having Asthma, and I also smoked Cigarettes (A contradictory dumb thing to partake in at the time) but smoking actually saved my life.

One time this Cow hit me throwing me into the air knocking the Marlboros from my shirt pocket. She stopped to sniff them allowing me to retreat to the Tractor. My knees were knocking, my hands were shaking and I was so winded that I could not even get on the Tractor to get away. Al I could do is get inbetween the big tire and the frame until the Cow finally decided to go eat breakfast.

Once I regained my composure and got back on the Tractor, it was my turn. I turned that thing around and chased that Cow around the pasture for a good 20 minutes until I thought it would drop dead of exhaustion. I told my dumb ex-brother -in-law about what happened. He said I was nuts that Cows don't chase people and he had raised cows for 40 years and in all his time blah blah blah!

One day when he was walking through the barnyard a few weeks after our fall cattle drive and they were back at home, that same one got him from behind and threw him about 20 ft into the shitpile. At least that cow knew where he belonged! About a week later, that Cow went to become burgers at McDonalds as far as we know.

So no matter what anyone tells you, an animal is always an animal. It is responsible to no one. And my advice is always "If it has teeth, it can bite". And if it's bigger than you, it can hurt you! Watch out for the Cows! Normally they won't hurt you and are very gentle. But so are most people!

Take care,,,,,,,Larry